As someone who has inadvertently become somewhat of a serial dater, I feel obliged to share a small selection of my more recent experiences so that anybody who reads this can be aware not to make the mistakes I have. Single friends, consider this my gift to you. If you're reading this and you're in a relationship, have sympathy.
Going out with somebody who clearly has issues with their
sexuality.
Coming to terms with your sexuality is difficult, I know it
is, but when you’re a very out and proud lesbian on a date with a girl who
actually whispers the word ‘bisexual’ when referring to herself, you’re
probably at a very different place to her. Interestingly, she explained to me
why she ‘thought’ she was bisexual. The story went like this: ‘I’m very close
to my mum, I always have been. When I was growing up she struggled with depression.
I think that’s why I’m (whisper)…bisexual’.
I simply nodded politely and took a sip of my G&T while internally
pondering which part of this massive date-downer of a childhood anecdote had
brought her to the conclusion that she wanted to have sex with both men and
women.
Going out with anyone who says they’re too busy for a
relationship.
Nobody is too busy for a relationship. Not really. Extremely
sexy up-and-coming musician women should be avoided at all costs for this
reason. They’ll lure you in with their amazing guitar playing and even more
amazing body and BOOM before you know it you’ll have scaled the country to go
and visit them in Liverpool for a weekend of debauchery. Then before you leave
them they’ll causally mention that they’re so busy gigging that their next free
weekend isn’t for three months and they’re really sorry, honest, but ‘I just
don’t know when I’m going to find the time’. Cue you crying for the duration of
your journey back down south left with nothing but the feeling of being used
and some awkwardly placed bruises. On the plus side, if said extremely sexy
up-and-coming musicians have any particularly weird sexual preferences, you can
store this knowledge up and use it to ruin their reputations when they make it
big time. Not that I’m bitter.
Going out with somebody who was in love with her best
friend.
Something that everybody needs to know: If you suspect, even
for a fleeting moment, that the person you’re on a date with might possibly be
in love with their best friend: LEAVE THE DATE. Get out of there. Run. Flee
while you still can. This is a situation to be avoided at all costs. It should
be noted that if you even just momentarily entertain the situation that your
date might be in love with their best friend, they probably are. For god’s sake
don’t then have sex with them (like I did). Sadly, the fleeting moment didn’t
occur to me until I was in bed with the woman, when we were engaging in some
meandering pillow talk. ‘I miss my friends from London’ she said, ‘ I speak to
them on the phone most nights…I speak to my friend Claire every night.’ (Long
pause) I wrapped the duvet a little tighter around myself and turned to face
her. ‘Is that a romantic thing then, with you and Claire?’ I asked. (Long pause)
‘…Nnnnnnnno’ was her terribly convincing
response. I did not pursue the matter and instead side eyed her all through
breakfast the next morning, trying to deduce from her mannerisms whether she
wanted to get married to Claire and have lots of babies. The text message she
sent me the next evening confirmed to me that she did indeed want to get
married to Claire and have lots of babies. ‘That’s great! I’m happy for you
both, this is obviously something you need to pursue’ read my reply that I
composed while crying into a pile of stuffed animals ‘I hope it all goes well!
Xx’ Bad times. Bad bad times.
Being convinced that I’d left my watch at the house of the
girl who was in love with her best friend.
I hadn’t. It had fallen behind my bed. If there’s any text
that isn’t fun to send, it’s one along the lines of ‘Hey! Remember when I went
home with you that time? I think I left my beautiful Vivienne Westwood watch in
your bedroom. I know you’re probably very busy banging your best pal but if you
get the chance to come up for air, could you have a look for it for me?’ I
wasn’t just desperately trying to find an excuse to talk to her, but I
definitely looked like I was. I didn’t have the balls to let her know when it
transpired that I’d had it all along.
Taking someone on a date to see one of your favourite
musicians.
It sort of happened by accident, but I had two ticket to
Bonobo’s final show of his North Borders tour at Alexandra Palace and nobody to
come with me. A few days before the show, I invited a girl I’d been chatting to
to come along with me, mainly so I wouldn’t have to go alone or faff about
selling the ticket. She wasn’t particularly outgoing and what ensued was
essentially two hours of awkward swaying and head bobbing. Last time I went to
see Bonobo was when I was at uni. I had been absolutely wasted and had a grand
old time with a friend of mine. Both of us were completely trashed and flung
ourselves around ‘dancing’ to the sweet tunes before ending up on a spontaneous
night out in Brighton. That’s how I would have liked this gig to have been like
really, but certain date etiquette prevents you from running to the bar after
the support act and knocking back six tequilas. Instead, we just kind of
politely swayed in time to the music. I didn’t want to dance too much because
I’m not a very good dancer. I’ll never forget the time a friend cornered me
after a night out once:
‘Ro! You were so
hilarious last night! I love that you were doing that funny dancing!’. I hadn’t
been doing ‘funny dancing’. That was my regular dancing. Anyway, funny or not,
I couldn’t possibly subject my date to it. I spent the night staring wistfully
at people who were leaping around at the concert, sloshing their pints over
themselves and having a gay old time. Gayer than me, on my gay date. I had already
decided that it wasn’t going to go anywhere with this girl because she turned
up wearing a rucksack. I briefly contemplated sneaking off into the crowd and
abandoning her but instead simply resolved to never make the gig-date mistake
again.
Going out with people who keep leaving the country.
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