No need to get snippy: precisely why I have been putting off getting my hair cut.

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I need a haircut. I’ve been in denial about it for a few weeks now. It’s sort of not sitting right, keeps falling into my eyes and the ends are split and flick out in awkward directions that GHDs can't tame. It needs some attention from a professional. I’ve given to some thought as to why I may be putting off this seemingly simple task for a long while, and historically seem to go a super long time between haircuts. The conclusion to this contemplation was this: I just REALLY HATE GOING TO THE HAIRDRESSERS. And now I will tell you why. 

1. That feeling when they’re drying your hair with a hairdryer and are simultaneously burning your ear off or melting your scalp. You’re sitting there, eyes fixed on your own expression of quiet agony in the mirror, there is a roar of hot air in your ears and you are feeling as if you’ve been set on fire. You can’t possibly say anything, you don’t want your stylist to think you’re a baby. They probably scorch their ears drying their own hair all the time. Perhaps you should be treating it as some kind of initiation. Finally, there is a moment of sweet salvation. Your hairdresser asks, mid blast, “is that too hot for you?”. Every fibre of your being is screaming yes, you are certain that if he or she does not stop right this second your flesh will begin to disintegrate under the heat. You open your mouth to begin a sentence of polite protest when – suddenly – your stiff British upper lip engulfs you and you find yourself replying: ‘oh no, it’s fine!’. The next five minutes feel like a lifetime in the firey pits of hell.

2. Trying to explain exactly what you want done but not knowing any proper haircut terminology so just gesticulating wildly around your face and using strange words you’ve never used before in a vain attempt to describe the look you want. 

3. Having to arrange your features into an appropriately non-orgasmic expression if you’re lucky enough to receive a head massage. Head massages are one of my absolute favourite things. What is appropriate head massage etiquette? Could somebody please tell me. Do I close my eyes? Do I leave my eyes open but if so, where do I look? And how do I prevent them from rolling back into my head in an expression of ecstasy? Do I say I’m enjoying the pressure on a particular spot? I always have to try very hard not to moan breathily or gasp my hairdressers name in fit of climactic pleasure.

4. AWKWARD SMALL TALK. I would say that I am the kind of person that feels comfortable talking to almost anyone. I like to befriend people. I’m a people person. Except not all people. For some reason I am entirely unable to comfortably converse with hairdressers. Probably because I never seem to be ‘going anywhere nice this year’. I also hate it when they ask me what I’m doing that evening because it is inevitably always nothing.

6. Beverages. When they offer you a drink and you politely sip it as soon as they give it to you to show your gratitude, despite knowing that it will burn your tongue. Then you place it down on the side and don’t pick it up again until they have finished and it's cold. This is because I have such fear of reaching out to pick up my coffee while the hairdresser is mid snip and accidentally knocking him or her and having them lop off a chunk of my hair. I also notice that on the small drinks menu that they hand you in some salons, wine often seems to be on offer yet I never see any other clients drinking it. I would love a nice glass of shiraz to settle my haircut anxiety but I’m always too scared to order one lest I am branded as some kind of solo day drinking salon loser. 

7. Having expensive hair products pushed on you and being too easily influenced to say no so you spend money you have on blow dry balms you don't want. 

It should be noted that throughout the process of writing this post I have drawn the conclusion that this really is all far too much stress for me to deal with and that perhaps my mane needn't be tamed for another few weeks.
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