Six dating mistakes that I have recently made so you don't have to!

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As someone who has inadvertently become somewhat of a serial dater, I feel obliged to share a small selection of my more recent experiences so that anybody who reads this can be aware not to make the mistakes I have. Single friends, consider this my gift to you. If you're reading this and you're in a relationship, have sympathy. 

Going out with somebody who clearly has issues with their sexuality.

Coming to terms with your sexuality is difficult, I know it is, but when you’re a very out and proud lesbian on a date with a girl who actually whispers the word ‘bisexual’ when referring to herself, you’re probably at a very different place to her. Interestingly, she explained to me why she ‘thought’ she was bisexual. The story went like this: ‘I’m very close to my mum, I always have been. When I was growing up she struggled with depression. I think that’s why I’m (whisper)…bisexual’. I simply nodded politely and took a sip of my G&T while internally pondering which part of this massive date-downer of a childhood anecdote had brought her to the conclusion that she wanted to have sex with both men and women.

Going out with anyone who says they’re too busy for a relationship.

Nobody is too busy for a relationship. Not really. Extremely sexy up-and-coming musician women should be avoided at all costs for this reason. They’ll lure you in with their amazing guitar playing and even more amazing body and BOOM before you know it you’ll have scaled the country to go and visit them in Liverpool for a weekend of debauchery. Then before you leave them they’ll causally mention that they’re so busy gigging that their next free weekend isn’t for three months and they’re really sorry, honest, but ‘I just don’t know when I’m going to find the time’. Cue you crying for the duration of your journey back down south left with nothing but the feeling of being used and some awkwardly placed bruises. On the plus side, if said extremely sexy up-and-coming musicians have any particularly weird sexual preferences, you can store this knowledge up and use it to ruin their reputations when they make it big time. Not that I’m bitter.

Going out with somebody who was in love with her best friend.

Something that everybody needs to know: If you suspect, even for a fleeting moment, that the person you’re on a date with might possibly be in love with their best friend: LEAVE THE DATE. Get out of there. Run. Flee while you still can. This is a situation to be avoided at all costs. It should be noted that if you even just momentarily entertain the situation that your date might be in love with their best friend, they probably are. For god’s sake don’t then have sex with them (like I did). Sadly, the fleeting moment didn’t occur to me until I was in bed with the woman, when we were engaging in some meandering pillow talk. ‘I miss my friends from London’ she said, ‘ I speak to them on the phone most nights…I speak to my friend Claire every night.’ (Long pause) I wrapped the duvet a little tighter around myself and turned to face her. ‘Is that a romantic thing then, with you and Claire?’ I asked. (Long pause) ‘…Nnnnnnnno’  was her terribly convincing response. I did not pursue the matter and instead side eyed her all through breakfast the next morning, trying to deduce from her mannerisms whether she wanted to get married to Claire and have lots of babies. The text message she sent me the next evening confirmed to me that she did indeed want to get married to Claire and have lots of babies. ‘That’s great! I’m happy for you both, this is obviously something you need to pursue’ read my reply that I composed while crying into a pile of stuffed animals ‘I hope it all goes well! Xx’ Bad times. Bad bad times.

Being convinced that I’d left my watch at the house of the girl who was in love with her best friend.

I hadn’t. It had fallen behind my bed. If there’s any text that isn’t fun to send, it’s one along the lines of ‘Hey! Remember when I went home with you that time? I think I left my beautiful Vivienne Westwood watch in your bedroom. I know you’re probably very busy banging your best pal but if you get the chance to come up for air, could you have a look for it for me?’ I wasn’t just desperately trying to find an excuse to talk to her, but I definitely looked like I was. I didn’t have the balls to let her know when it transpired that I’d had it all along.

Taking someone on a date to see one of your favourite musicians.

It sort of happened by accident, but I had two ticket to Bonobo’s final show of his North Borders tour at Alexandra Palace and nobody to come with me. A few days before the show, I invited a girl I’d been chatting to to come along with me, mainly so I wouldn’t have to go alone or faff about selling the ticket. She wasn’t particularly outgoing and what ensued was essentially two hours of awkward swaying and head bobbing. Last time I went to see Bonobo was when I was at uni. I had been absolutely wasted and had a grand old time with a friend of mine. Both of us were completely trashed and flung ourselves around ‘dancing’ to the sweet tunes before ending up on a spontaneous night out in Brighton. That’s how I would have liked this gig to have been like really, but certain date etiquette prevents you from running to the bar after the support act and knocking back six tequilas. Instead, we just kind of politely swayed in time to the music. I didn’t want to dance too much because I’m not a very good dancer. I’ll never forget the time a friend cornered me after a night out once:
‘Ro! You were so hilarious last night! I love that you were doing that funny dancing!’. I hadn’t been doing ‘funny dancing’. That was my regular dancing. Anyway, funny or not, I couldn’t possibly subject my date to it. I spent the night staring wistfully at people who were leaping around at the concert, sloshing their pints over themselves and having a gay old time. Gayer than me, on my gay date. I had already decided that it wasn’t going to go anywhere with this girl because she turned up wearing a rucksack. I briefly contemplated sneaking off into the crowd and abandoning her but instead simply resolved to never make the gig-date mistake again.

Going out with people who keep leaving the country.

I, or some reason, keep having dates or romantic encounters with people who then immediately leave England. Like ALL the time. Holland. Mauritius. Denmark. New York. The last one just moved to Canada. I tell myself that interesting, jetsetting women are drawn to me but in actual fact I'm beginning to consider that maybe I am doing something drastically wrong on my dates to cause all these women to flee the country. 
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